By Joe Torosian
I make up for what I lack in talent with a terrific ability to grind.Â
I realize some of that is in my DNA. I'm pretty good at channeling my spite into productivity. I love to prove a point and demonstrate the folly of ever telling me I can't do something.
Grinding forward means you never worry about your flanks, you never worry about someone else's atta boys or compliments. It's about getting the job done and spiking the football in front of everyone who doubted.
But, you know, even Boxer, in Animal Farm, had his strength give out. When he couldn't do the job anymore, the pigs sold him to the glue factory.
The lesson I learned this week wasn't that my strength will wear out—I've always understood that—but that encouragement is a must to keep going forward.
Fear of failure fuels my spite, which in turn fuels my ability to grind. It's the biggest fear in my life. I fear things like whether my family will be okay, will my church make it, will the sermon be good enough, will camps be successful, will the book sell, and will the podcast grow.
I've been with a lot of people when they died. I've been in the room when a doctor has told someone they're going to die. I officiated funerals with small caskets, and I've experienced things that are other-worldly.
These are scary things, but I was able to grind through them all. All I asked for was the Lord to encourage me. Generally, I was encouraged to finish the task and/or get through the situation. (This didn't mean I wasn't sad for those going through terrible times, but that I was encouraged by the Lord to fulfill what he had given me to fulfill.)
This week, I wasn't encouraged, and thoughts of failure swelled.Â
On every front of my life, something was pressing, disrupting, and trying to crush me with doubt/failure.
I was frustrated, a bit angry, and out of energy.
With failure seemingly closing in, I continued to grind. I'd grind until my strength gave out. If I was going to go out, I'd go out with the proverbial empty clip.
Then today, my fourth day of sermon prep for Sunday, the scriptures popped like a Fourth of July blast in the sky. I had my first "wow" moment of the week.
In the prayer time that followed, the Spirit confirmed to me again that I didn't need the atta boys, the clicks, the sales, numbers, more hours, more days, fewer interruptions, or the audible voice of God.
But to remember that the Lord encourages me with His Word. My proximity to Him, His presence in my life, and the accessibility of His scriptures are my encouragement.Â
All week, I wanted to be lifted up…All week, I was part of the generation demanding a sign.
What did Sister Vanessa once sing?
"Sometimes, the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see."Â
We don't have to plead for something we already have. We can encourage others, but the Lord is our portion, and his mere presence is our encouragement.
I don't know if failure will ever give up on me, but for now, it's been sufficiently beaten back.
